On Life as a Sarcastic Fringehead

Two separate incidents, both happened at a party. Two separate incidents, both happened at a party and made people say to me "That was you?" for years afterwards upon meeting me for a second time in a different place.

Here's what happened. At these parties. The music is going and people are talking and dancing. I do not dance. I have danced, but people have laughed at me, so I do not dance, okay? And I like to talk, but not to people I barely know because you never know what they are going to do with the information. They could share it with others. Or keep it to themselves and think it over as they are getting dressed for bed. To be on the safe side, most of my personal information stays with me until I feel comfortable with that person. Which sometimes happens immediately and which sometimes happens never.

So at these parties where people are talking and dancing, I am reading a book. The first party, I was in ninth grade. This was right after junior high, my days of carrying a small bag that held the key to the burglar bar gate protecting our lovely suburban, yet prone to burglary, home. The key to my house, two quarters and a book. I still had that habit by ninth grade, but maybe I also carried some form of ID. But always a book. And at this party, I pulled it out and laid claim to a spot by the punch bowl and started to read. And drink. Setting the stage for my life years later, but I digress.

I confused people that night, those partiers. Who couldn't figure out why I was at a party reading a book when there were so many opportunities for almost-sex even though chaperones were going in and out of the room. But, see, I knew nothing about almost-sex or full on sex for many many years after ninth grade. And since I didn't dance and nobody was talking to me, and my ride was in the corner of the room having almost-sex with his girlfriend, I pulled out my book and was perfectly satisfied with whatever story was going on between its pages.

The next time I did that was ten years later. Sure, I'd discovered almost-sex by that time, but I'd also discovered that I didn't like parties, and here I was at another one. But this one was a more intimate affair. Requiring that I talk to people for longer periods about things I was completely uninterested in. I'd stopped carrying books in my bag a few years earlier (why?) so I was forced to browse the party-giver's living room bookshelf for something to read. What was the name of Terry MacMillan's first book? I can't remember. But that was the book. And I read until my ride decided she was ready to go. Best lesson learned that night: drive own car.

My social skills haven't seriously improved since those two incidents. I'm still the quiet girl in the corner of a crowded and noisy room. Sometimes, I need to be reminded of the importance of mingling and sharing things about myself within a welcoming community. Here's a list. I like lists. They make me look organized.

Things about me I have decided to share on the Internet:

1. I am older than 30 and younger than 40.
2. I look younger than 30. This is genetical.
3. I am unsure if genetical is a word.
4. I never planned on working a full-time job.
5. I have been working full-time for over 20 years.
6. When a man properly references scenes from The Princess Bride, I like him.
7. I asked for a train set for three consecutive Christmases and never scored higher than a ceramic tea set.
8. I learned long ago to buy my own Christmas presents.
9. My family is very much still doing the church thing. Me, not so much. They are confused about my non-attendance. I am irritated by their confusion. Do I ask them why they no longer shop at Wal-Mart? No, I do not. Do I inform them that their children will suffer if they switch from Goodyear to Michelin? I do not. I let adults make their own freaking decisions.
10. I am flattered when someone wants to be my friend.
11. I am much better on paper than in person.
12. I watch Cops and American Idol. Religiously.
13. I love National Football League games.
14. The window has probably closed on my goal of having sex with an active NFL player.
15. But, you never know.
16. I fall in love easily.
17. I am easily discouraged.
18. I am the champion of others as they dream out loud.
19. Tracy McGrady is my favorite National Basketball Association player.
20. I have been a Houston Astros fan since the day I was born.
21. I am impatient with adults who should know better.
22. I am very patient with children who should know better.
23. My musical tastes are varied and intimate. Listing favorite artists or CDs is like listing favorite lovers.
24. Right this second on my jukebox: I'll Fly Away by Alison Krauss
25. I am close to my parents and my brother and sister and their families.
26. Favorite writers: Gabriel Garcia Marquez
27. Charlie Kaufman
28. Anais Nin
29. Gloria Naylor
30. Alice Walker
31. Pablo Neruda
32. Shel Silverstein
33. I don't know much about contemporary writers, although I did pay attention when Jonathan Franzen refused to let Oprah endorse his book The Corrections in 2001.
34. I have never read an Oprah-endorsed book.
35. My favorite Starbucks coffee is the vanilla bean frappuccino, mocha affogato-style. Don't forget the whipped cream.
36. I am now in love with Mike's Hard Crisp Apple. Mike's Hard Lemonade will always be my first true love.
37. After vodka.
38. Movies are my new books.
39. Favorite movies are too many to list.
40. The best parts about my current job are deciding where to eat lunch, standing up from my desk to go home, and the paycheck.
41. I am most excited when someone else's credit card is being passed to the cashier for my purchases. My heart gets warm.